There is Every Reason to Doubt

Journal 10.24.25

I feel dried up. Tired. I haven’t taken much time off and it caught up with me a while back. I’m pushing through. I went from the country to the city for a few days then back to the country then back to the city for a couple more days and I’m back in the country again and it was too chaotic yesterday in the city and too chaotic the day before much too chaotic I need to restore order now. I need to sit in the middle of a harvested cornfield beneath the autumn sun and meditate MAY I BE SAFE AND HEALTHY. MAY I BE FILLED WITH PATIENCE AND COMPASSION AND KINDNESS. MAY MY FAMILY BE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS. MAY I BE AT PEACE. Repeat for 10 minutes 30 minutes one hour. I’d like to take my wife and little ones out for dinner on the water to soak up the last of this season’s shimmering tide. There must be room for that in this world that I’m creating for myself. Room for happiness. Lightness. I like to carry things on my back. But I’m tired I don’t have much energy not even to step more fully on the gas pedal so I pull off onto the grass and let the white sedan pass me and I watch the field of dried brown soy. It moves. And I feel sick. Nauseated. Something hard is trying to come up it’s at the base of my throat and I can breathe just fine I’m breathing and breathing but there’s no air. I pass these old little homes in Still Pond cars parked in carports at midday yards well-kept and all I can think is why have I done this to myself? My wife needs help there’s no child care and she has payroll and bills and bookings and shows to schedule and accounts to balance and things to order and things to repair and people to train and people to pay but there’s no money there’s none and that’s never driven me but it’s all gone and we’re over-extended and there’s no room on the credit cards and my debit card declined when I tried to buy a coffee and I smiled at the teenager behind the counter and removed the ten dollar bill I’d stashed away for emergencies. And I’m stuck working all day and every day from morning to night while my wife is trying to put on a good face for our little angels she’s trying to hold everything together and there is every reason to doubt everything I’ve taken on. And I’ve stepped out onto the restaurant deck and a bald eagle soars over me and I breathe and I breathe and everything is still there inside me the turmoil the stress no it hasn’t faded but there’s this majestic bird soaring and I’m not angry I’m not yelling at anyone I’m not blaming anyone I’m patient and I’m trying I’m trying and he’s in the distance now I can’t tell if he’s flying toward me or away and it reminds me of everything I’ve taken on I don’t know which direction it’s going but there’s nothing to do but continue.

And it’s a new day and I’m back at the counter with tea and nothing has changed though I slept and am rested and I know that the work I’m doing is good. I’m not thinking of the future I’m not thinking of tomorrow I’m not thinking the it-will-all-work-outs I don’t care for that today. I want to make pie and butcher fish and I’m going to do it well and I may take a photograph or two and I will jot down a note here and there because I have my thoughts and I have the truth and they’re both worth keeping.